Human beings are social animals. We are creatures interdependent on interactions with others for our physical, mental, and emotional health. But in our modern society, particularly one that highlights independence, self-sustainability, autonomy, & isolation, our relationships can often feel far more complicated or challenging than we’d like. This is where therapy, as well as a committed community (whether that be centered around a hobby, faith affiliation, neighborhood, or something else), can be vital for our mental health. But to better understand how we relate with others today, we need to understand our relational origins.
Our first relationship in life is the one we share with our primary caregiver(s). The ways that we are raised – how our caregiver(s) meet our needs, attune to us, mirror our emotions & body language, and provide safe spaces for us to express ourselves – lay the groundwork for us to develop, learn boundaries, and emotionally regulate when entering more dynamic relational interactions in the future. The most common framework for this idea is known as attachment theory.
When our needs are met promptly, with kindness and nurturing, our childhood selves develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. With this type of attachment, we grow up experiencing fewer negative feelings towards our parents, which properly equips us to have more empathetic and emotionally intelligent future relationships (whether that be in the context of marriage, parenting, work, community, etc.). However, when our needs as children are not promptly engaged (or are even wholly neglected), we may develop more maladaptive attachment types – such as an anxious or avoidant style. Later in life, these may lead us to place unreasonable demands on others or ourselves, respond to certain events inappropriately, or even avoid interpersonal relationships entirely, because our early childhood brains never created the neural pathways and associations for what a more secure relationship looks and feels like.
This may feel daunting for some who didn’t experience all of their physical, mental, and emotional needs being met as a child. This doesn’t have to be a fatalistic story though! While these challenges are definitely real, our brains and bodies are thankfully more dynamic, and are able to change and heal with the right tools. Even simply naming the facts of certain childhood events can be a powerful first step towards grief, redemption, healing, and transformation.
Relationships are also central to this process.
When we don’t have strong bonds with others, studies have shown that we’re more likely to develop a string of negative physical effects, such as heart disease and obesity, not to mention other correlated mental effects such as increased anxiety, irritability, and depression. Social isolation has even been linked to whole body inflammation and susceptibility to autoimmune disease.
On the other hand, positive relationships can vastly rewrite this narrative and create more positive health trends. People who rate their interpersonal relationships as either good or satisfactory not only are shown to live longer, but they tend to live healthier lives and even experience more long-term economic success. The data is clear: good relationships with others are just as much of a physical need as food or water.
Part of the power of entering into relationships with emotionally healthy people is that it allows our brains to create new memories and strengthen the neural pathways necessary to rebuild our sense of security. This doesn’t change the facts of our history and early childhood – that’s not the point – but it does allow us to reinterpret those events and create new cognitive, emotional and behavioral responses.
If you want to dig more deeply into understanding the importance of relationships, we have provided several helpful tools within the Storyline app:
1. Ask a trustworthy friend to go through the Introductory & Discovery Pathways with you. This will help you in your reflection process, and provide several helpful discussion points that you can work through together.
2. Check out our Storyline Toolkit and Resources page. These will provide you with great visuals to further understand how you are made to operate, as well as a series of books and podcasts that you can dive deeper into.
3. Under the Safety Protocol page on your Profile, we have a “Find a Therapist” link. Therapy is always a great option for experiencing a secure relationship that can help guide you through this process.